About 5 months ago , i met a guy… who seemed decent to me.. he lives another side of the world.. this time i thought i found the love… guess what i was wrong from the very beginning… i was his desire , lust not love… he loved my body not my soul… he is the only reason i started this blog writing… because if i write in diary or some pages my mom always finds out what the hell wrong with me…
i should have recognize the sign from the very earlier…. that he wants my body not my soul,,,, that he is an womeniser… i thought he was broken , lonely just like me… turns out he has everything .. and me?? i am just a part of his daily routine… you know some people who have a habit of morning coffee , without that they cant function properly… i was just like that… yes you got it right… HABIT… which isnot hard to chanage… its no like we had real sex… on;y in message.. but i dont understand how can you get boner just by saying someone i want to kiss you here and there… how??? isnt it some kind of perversion??? you see you dont know a girl very well but text her i want to see your mole , cleavage, send me picture what kimd of love is that??? isn’t is called desire, lust?
you see , i wanted to fix him from his brokenness… his heartbreak.. i wanted to be his favorite place in the whole world to go… i wanted to be his warmest corner in the whole world.. turns out he is my darkest place in thr whole world… i meant nothing to him.. except for his desire to fulfill.. his lust… his courtesan…. !!!!! but not his future, not someone to whom he can go at the end of an long tiring day or when he feels vulnerable or when he needs helps…
you know i never asked for him , never… he is an hindu … why would i ask for him when i know my family would never accept him… i asked for ashik.. my crush .. i am doctor… i work in a hospital… ashik works there , he is an decent person… fun to be around… i liked him so so much… but he , he diverted mefrom my crush… he used me.. i let him used me… for this i hate myself more thananything in the world… you know i cant put this in social media… people will see how miserable i am , how pathetic is my life… then they will forget… most of them dont care what’s going on in your life…. they will scroll their socail media then will just forget…
whenever i talked about relationship ,he just run from it.. its like he doesnot wanna face the reality… but i am a realistic girl .. i can’t live in fantasy without being in touch with the reality… life doesnot work that way…
let me tell you what actually happend with him… he went to abroad in 2011… he struggled with life.. saw peoples lifestyle there… learned all those sexting from there.. fyi he is a doc too… he find it safe to do sexting and get boner.. because he knows about the stds… besides he was heartbroken because his 4 year long love left him… so he did everything he could to cope up with the pain… he really loved her… that was good… but it was a long time ago… like 5 years back… if he is still in her, i offered all kind of help to get out of her… he didnt accept it… all he wanted to fulfil his lust with me… see my picture amd masterbate……
i was never really part of him… i made him 1k flowers as i promised…. now what am i gonna do with those flowers… i am so dumb creature…..O God i never asked you for him , never… why are u punishing me like this… why…???? where did i went wrong??? what did i do???
i have two past failure relatonship… i really wanted this to work… something about him… he never said i love you, so did i… whenever i talked abot moving to another city, he never asked me to come… you know while in work i never use my phone.. its him who forced me you can both work and message…. just because of him i used to use my phone at work…. i guess from today i dont have to do that anymore… today we had a terrible fight… terrible means terrible.. i guess he will never message me after this fight… you know everytime i swallow my pride , self respect to do what he asked me to do… i destroyed myself to give himself happiness… to fulfill his desire… yet he doesn’t care…. good… there’s more to learn… guess life havenot yet done teaching me… so wish me luck…. good luck bailey!!!!!!!
today i booked a session with my psychiatrist … lets seee how that session go…. what he suggests…
belle ame (a beautiful soul) 