Who made you like this?? Why are you like this to me? Why this dishonesty? Disloyalty! Why you lie to me every freaking time? Did i ask for much? Did i ask anything from you ever? Then why?? Do you know how much all of these tires me down?? Burn me out?? I am exhausted, please…. Stop making me an object that you use when you are free… Why are you like this??? Are you always like this?? Did u treat her like this also? Why do you keep treating me like these??? What the hell have i done to you??? Whom should i blame?? That girl? You? Or my fate? Ashik mridha said weakness is an great tool to play… He is doing that… He presses my weak nerve… What the hell have done to myself??? What gotten inside me??? What do i do??? Where do i go?? To whom i ask?? I ruined my own happiness with my own hand… Here no one to blame.. I did this to myself…

We met again… Today we again did…. I dont know why i end upto him… Like i cant say no to him… Why is it hard for me to say no to him… Today i told him ashik will help me to pass mrcs, then i felt like something broke inside him… He started to talking he will help me to pass the xm,. I can read with him… And he was holding my hand like i am letting him go and he didn’t want me to go to ashik… Whole time while he was holding my hand i felt like this… Like i was slipping from his hand and finally he can feel it that i am leaving and he doesn’t want me to leave… And oddly he said “ei meyer haat dhorte partesi etai onk besi”… Ami shuneo na shunar vaan korsi… I know he is gonna miss me too much when he will be there… And me?? I dont know what am i gonna do then… Ekhn mone hocche kobita ta jeno amr jonnoi likha:

যতই দূরে যেতে চাই, ততই আসি কাছে,

আমার গায়ে তাহার গায়ের গন্ধ লেগে আছে।

Today i told him let me breathe…. Dont disturb any other with your fake decency… Allah apbk jiboneo maf korbe na… Ei sasti thik e paben…

Today i ended everything…. I blocked him, umfollowed him… Deleted his messages

.. Done everything to severe the tie… I didn’t even message him today… Today i am letting him go….

I thought this time, this time i am gonna have a fairy tale love… Like my friend had… I am not jealous of her, may allah bless her love… You know alif fight till the end, he didn’t give up on her… Mimma fight till end didn’t give up on her… I just wanted someone Who’d fight for me till he can’t… Wont give up on me… But he gave up even before starting the war… He gave up… He told me he moved on… He explained everything to me and more than half of my fleeings for him died right there…. Ekta manush mathay haat diye mittha kmne bole… Ami kichu bolbo na… Upore allah ase , bichar bole jodi kichu theke thake seta obossoi hobe… And i will be there to see it…..

Why you gave up on me??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Today we meet again.. Today i Cried before him like never before… I revealed everything that i was holding… Things keeping my chest heavy… Now i know we were never meant to be… He said kichu jinish samne agay na…. That mean either you can be friend with me or leave…. What should i do??? Should i leave? I cared too much for much for him which was a total waste… Of course he loved me back… But he said he recovered… He forgot me… Today i got all my answers… I am feeling so much relived… Ekhn amr r loyalty maintain korte hobe na… I can do whatever i want… But i loved you, remember…???

He came to dhaka on 10th june… And my head was messing with me to meet him… So i message him lets meet… 1st message i deleted before he can even see him… Then with lots of courage i message him again.. And i was praying to allah please allah please let me meet him… Then we talked, the voice in my head calm down… Then we plan to meet on 12 june… At last we met.. Qe met… I cant describe how happy i was, i got to meet him… He gifted me lipstick and mascara… I gifted him the lucku bell i got for myself From Darjeeling…. We went to fuller road… Roam around.. Went to gloriajeans… Then returned home…

Now the point is from that day i have to message him… Then he replies… He is making me confused again…. I asked him to meet me today… He refused… He told will meet tomorrow, if we meet tomorrow i will ask him everything that is going on my mind, he answers correctly without lying to me, without playing games, then i am going to America for him… If not i am going to emd every single thing there…. Every single thing…. Why he doesn’t answer my questions?? Why he is not verbal??? Why he keep me confused??? Why??? I wish i could tell him how much i prayed for him to come back… In my every single fasting… In my every single prayer…. Why Allah why are you punishing me like this?? Am i asking too much?? Ami ki korbo!!! Tell me…. I am helpless, please God help me…. Allah Please….. Allah please please…..

I miss him… Really miss him… I have tried everything for not missing him… I miss him so much that i can literally feel it in my bones… And i dont know what to do except crying and praying… I don’t want to cry to my sleep… I kept myself busy, travel across the country, nothing made me forget him… Feels like he is something that got stuck in my throat and i can’t get it out…

I need peace please… I need to sleep without crying…

I need him…

here i am writing again… this time only with numbness and lots of pain in my heart…. i miss him everywhere… you he kinda developed my habit of sending him pictures wherever i go… i went to sajek , i went to my last college picnic … and i have that uncontrollable urge to send him all my pictures… i even dreamt of him … in my dream i was crying burying my head in his chest… i really miss him , nah?

sheju’s father died almost 15 days ago… i saw him fighting for dear life.. LIFE which i planned to end, and he was fighting for more days… days which i have , days which he haven’t …. he taught me one thing for sure life is too precious , too much precious…. and you know what i did i messaged him again telling my father like figure died …. he didn’t respond…. he showed his inhumanity… good , very good…. God bless you…. i have no further words for you… but i will miss you until the day i can’t anymore….

yesterday we had a fight… as i told…. told him numerous bad word,,, words which shouldn’t have told… or to say i would never say to anyone ever… anyone ever… but my anger made me to do that… yesterday i phoned a friend , his mobile was off…. i don’t know what to do… i tried him thousands of times… thousands of time… knowing his phone was off… i was thinking if he receives my phone call , i will not go to my psychiatrist…. i tried his while i was fixing my appointment with my doctor… i tried his phone on my way back… i even tried his phone while i was going for my appointment… but at the end i couldn’t reach him through phone….

there i was in the hospital…. staring at people… people who went there to seek help…. my mind was blank… i couldn’t think of anything… i was thinking how i will the doc about my problem…. but i failed… i was just staring the whole time… even the man who billed was asking me ” did you understand what i said”… ??? i nodded no … he said again… then i sat on a table waiting to go in…. even sitting on there i couldn’t hold my tears… so i took a tissue paper from my bag so that no one could see my tear….

then come my turn , i went in… after seeing the doc face i understood he is not empathetic to people … he wouldn’t understand a word i will say…. then i started to describe him my story… i didn’t think he didn’t listen a word… whole time he was busy to write the prescription…. that’s not how you treat a mentally ill patient…. that’s not how it works…. he did n’t show any sympathy rather he used rash words with me…i told him i couldn’t cry anywhere else that’s why i came here to cry… please let me cry… he replied ” what’s gonna bring if you cry?” he told me example of other people who had more pain than me…. i know there are lots of people out there who has more and more pain me…. because i am a doc too… i know how much pain there can be… but as a psychiatrist he should have understood everyone’s pain is unique… everyone’s mind works in a different way… he was just prescribing me not listening to me… i told him i don’t need drugs , i just need someone to hear me out…. please hear me… there was sitting crying in front of him, and he .. he was describing me how i should take my medicine… you moron !!! i am a doc too.. i know how to take all these antidepressant drugs….. i need to you hear my words…. he was in a hurry to see the next patient… so i left with the fucking prescription…..

on my returning to home , i called my friend again,,, this time his phone rang and he received my phone… he was on his way to university…. i told him to get down from the bus and met me… he got down from the bus… we met.. he took me somewhere i can cry my heart out….. i cried and cried and cried and cried…. he listened to my whole story … every single word i say… every single word… he made me understood he isn’t worth any of my single tears…. any… yet i cried for him , i cried for myself….

when i got back home i got a message from him if i was okay or not… i didn’t respond… but today 27th jan i responded to his messages…. may be this gonna be my biggest mistake of my life or not… lets see how it goes….

right now i am broken into two pieces… i don’t know which piece to pick up………….