Ekhn mukh diye apni, tmi kichui astese na, tui astese… Jah tui jokhn astese tui korei boli..ki kotha gula bolsis amk kalk!! Bolar age ekbar vabsili ki boltesi, kmn shuna jacche kotha gula!! Tor jonno us jawar kotha vabsilam r tui esob baal saal boltesos amk!!noile Ami kokhnw bolsilam j us jabo tor kache konodin?? Us giye korbo ta ki?? For better life?? Ekhane life nai?? Tui ekla thakte thakte pagol hoar pothe asis.. Kalk bolli,ki sob kotha!! Chi! Tui e to bolsili us aso if u want me around.. Biye kore jamai baad diye tor kache asle tui mene nibi?? Bol?? Tor sathe saradin rakhbi?? Parbi rakhte?? Ami ki ask korlam r tui dili tera ans tor bariwala k biye korte bolli?? Eivabe kotha bolbi ekhn amr sathe??amk bolis ami jani na when to stop! Amk abuse kore chole jabi, ja ta bolbi and ami sojjo korei jabo!! How funny!! and ami kichu bolteo parbo na?? Tui to tor name samanno kichu kotha sojjo korte parli na, direct call diye safai gawa suru korsos!! Emne call des na amk dui ekta valo kotha bolte na amr phn rcv koros!! tui ja iccha bolbi r chup chap shunbo?? Protest korte gelei ami pan pan kori, nah valoi banaisos!!… Ami sure amr message dekhar por lopa k j gali gula disos tar double gali des amk… Ete kono sondeho nai… Sumit k bolsi bole tor reputation er emn kichu hoi nai j ja iccha tai bebohar korbi…!! Meye manush ami, reputation gele amr jawar kotha tor na 100000 mile dure bose karo reputation jay na…!!! Tui chele tor ta duidin por manush vule jabe, amrta vulbe na… Are goru 6 months amr fb off chilo, karo sathe kono contact kori nai, bisoy gula ekhn ber hobe na to kokhn ber hobe…?? Amk bol? Amr proti respect nai to kotha bolos kn amr sathe? Chole ja… Thakte bolse k?? Dhore rakhse k?? Tor nature j reliable na seta ami tor sathe misei bujhsilam… Valo hoise oi meyeta chole gese.. Oi meyetao realise korte parsilo tui reliable na… Tor sathe jibon katano jabe na… Life ta nosto hoilo na oi meyetar… Meyetar baap khub e valo decision nise j tor moto lok er sathe biye dei nai… Vorosha korar moto lok na tui.. Bipod dekhle nijer pith age bachano lok tui…Tui hocchis tissue paper er moto lok, use korba, fele diba… Lopa kharap manlam taile ore knock diti kno? Jodi janti e or relationship ase? Knock diti kno? Ans de! Dekha korte gesili kno canteen e jei meyer relationship ase.. Gift nisos kno?? Manush dilei nite hobe?? Chechra eto!! Amk question korsili na tmk ki promise korsi ajibon tmr sathe thakbo?? Conversation ta check kore dekhis oikhane ki ki promise korsili?? biye hoye geleo amr sathe thakbi… Kotha bola bondho korbi na, no running, nobody walks out.. Tui na bolsili jara promise vange tader like koris na.. Onk to boro boro promise kore gesili??koi gelo oigula?? Chapa charte to poisa lage na, tai charsos.. Vabsos kori promise meyeta eto kore jokhn boltese tokhn boli mukhe mukhe, rakhte hobe emn to kothao likha nai… R amk bolsos weak?? Tor etto kharap behaviour sojjo korar por o ami weak?? Egula amr strongness er test chilo na to ki chilo?? Ami to tore chintam e na… Ami to ashik k like kortam, amr mathay saradin ashik ghurto, onnoder gutaitam amdr relationship koraye dewar jonno… tui suddenly akash theke topkaisos… Khub valo kore janti ami muslim tarpor o amr sathe mash er mash kotha bole gesos… Nijeke close bottle er moto rakhsos, tore na cjinte disos, na bujhte disos.. Ekhn jokhn na bujhar karone, na chinar karone vul gula kortesi, tokhn “ufff, off jao” ei tor vasa.. Sojjo na kotha bolis kno?? Jor kore bolai? Jor kore keu kauk kotha bolaite pare na.. Age parsilam jokhn chole gesili.. Online thaka sotteo amr message dekhos nai.. R amk bolsos whatsapp delete kore disi, bah!!! Ki sundor mittha gol gol kore bolos..!! Jokhn dekhsos ami weak hoye gesi tokhn gayeb… Haat dhorar sahos chilo na to prem korte aschili kno?? Use korte?? Time kataite?? Maa babar jokhn etoi chinta eisob luicchami na korlei paros… Unara jodi kokhnw shune tokhn tader kosto hobe na?? Amk bolis maa babar dike takao!! Wow!! Gayeb chili valo chili… Sharmin message pathaise bolisis j dekhis nai.. Areh i phone chalay na dekhe ki jani na how it works?? Onno keu message pathale upore uthe thake you have one message request… Jokhn e dekhsos amr naam r response koros nai!! R ki sundor kore mittha bolli amk gor gor kore j dekhi e nai, amk onno keu message pathale other box e jay… Chup chap shunsi tor mittha kotha..Kn j tore abr knock korte gesilam…!!! Kopal amr kopal re!!! Jei love, affection, attenton, ami tore disi, i thought i will get back… Actually free paisos to, tai daam des nai… Na ditam tore sob cheye valo hoito… Etto pain, mental sickness sojjo kora lagto na… Age to amr kotha tita lagto na, ekhn lage kno? Sumit, lopa jane dekhe?? Reputation e aach lagse bole?? Ki reputation re amr!! America thaki ami, bisoyta ki kom boro!! Wow!! America!! Manush jete pare na but ami oikhaner citizen!! Wow!! Amr sathe kina korsos?? Sexting theke suru kore sob…bar bar bolsi egula amr anxiety baray tao tui tor kaaj korei gesos.. Panic attack ki sadhe uthe amar?? Ei parts er pic dao, oi parts er pic dao… Ami ki gadha chilam tore ditam o..ki r bolbo Ondho chilam j tor mohe… Tor moto cunning, selfish, soitan, mitthuk, manipulative manush jate allah duniyate r jonmo na dei… Oi meye chole giye khub valo kaaj korse…thank god.. Noile tor moto soitan, abusive, manipulative lok er sathe songsar korte parto na…beche gese meye ta… tui ekhnw oi meyer chole jawar shock theke ber hote paros nai.. Tai onno meyeder destroy kortesos… Ami sure tui rinir satheo kotha bolis… Premalap!! R kar kar sathe kotha bolis bol to?? Sob meyer kache tor phn num ase eta sure ami… Onk jante iccha kore.. Je ami amr loyalty r ki mullo ta pailam?? Jar proti eto loyal chilam seo ki chilo loyal amr proti? Ektu shanti paitam tahole…! Chili na to… benur pic e comment tao abr onk ager oi picta khujte meyetar pura profile ghataite hoise tor, nowrin er pic e comment,nusrat k niye likha etto boro rochona!! R amr birthday te wish likhte bolsi setao koto guta guti kore, kopal re amr…!!! r o koto kichu j dekhsi tar hisab nai… Nijer theke 9 to 10 yrs choto meye der knock des lojja kore na?? Tor profile vorti to hindu meye abr bolis j hindu meyeder sathe ami kotha boli na… Sadhu saje…!! Ki sundor gor gor kore mittha bole jas, golay atkay na?? Amr grinna lage kno gesilam ami tor sathe oidin… Rastay bar bar neme jaite iccha kortesilo… Chotfot korte chilam j khayal korsili?? Nischoi koros nai.. Je amr kotha e thik moto shune na, se abr amk ki khayal korbe…Oidin kno gesilam janis tor desire puron korte… Love er jonno na…jate tor eisob baal saal markha kotha bondho kora jay…sex kora ses, sex er kothao bondho… See the magic..!! It worked!! R emn coward j osudh kinte amr sathe porjonto jas nai… Keu dekhe felle!! Ki voy re baba!! Reputation chole jabe nah?? Bolsilam na bangladeshi chelera sex korar por meyeder discard kore dey… Tuio korti jodi relationship thakto… Just partesis na jodi ulta palta kichu kori se jonno…america thakos r jahanname thakos, gaye rokto to bangalir e!! tamzid love kore nai amk?? I can bet he loved me more than he could.. O to kokhnw advantage newar try kore nai.. Golpo kortam amra, amdr kotha ses hoito na… Amk mentally destroy kore nai o tui jmne korsos… That’s call respect… R tor sathe Baal er love amr.. Jibone thik kore kotha bole dekhsos.. Ekta valo message, ekta valo phn call??? Jokhn tor mathar tar thik hoilo are e to muslim, ere biye korle ghor theke ber kore dibe tokhn e suru hoilo asol rup… Love korle jiboneo egula korti na amr sathe.. Jiboneo sexting korti na.. Jiboneo body parts er pic chaiti na… Amr mon er theke body r proti nesha chilo tor besi… Emn kon din gese j met korsos r amr gaye haat des nai… Eto sexual drive, to j deshe thakos oikhane to esob free te pawa jay, oikhane koros nai kno?? Ekhn sob peye abusive language use kora suru korsos… Chi chi chi… Ki emn korsi ami? Tor kon boro khoti ta kore felsi?? Taka poisa mere khaisi?? Naki expensive kichu chaisi?? Rickshaw Vara tao to ami ditam… Ami sure onno kono meyer sathe abr same kaaj suru korsos inbox e.. Noile amr phn dhorte tor eto ki somossa, desh theke to boro boro promise kore gesili… Ektao mone ase?? Naki sob peye gesos dekhe ekhn r dorkar nai.. Etto cunning, selfish mitthuk manush hoi!!!! Ami question ask korlei pan pan hoi r tui j nijer naam shunar sathe sathe call diye explanation ditesili, nijeke valo proman korar se ki chesta… Nijer cherar dekhsos? Nijeke prince charming vabos? Mathay nai chul, daat terabera… Khali paros flirting korte r kichu na… Meyeder fasaite.. Valo saje, se bole amr inbox vorti message kauk reply kori na… Meyeder to theka tore message pathabe!!! Amk weak bolos?? Weakness er definition janos?? Tor behaviour sojjo korte korte ami j mentally koto sick janos?? Tor theke shanti pabar jonno ghum er tab khai r sura yasin youtube e chere kane headphn diye then ghumaite jaite hoi amr… Noile ghum ase na amr.. Ki shanti te ghumaite partam ami jokhn tore chintam na.. Sei ghum koi gelo amr… Sob kere nisos!! Tui to ghumas thik e… Khas gorur moto.. Allah jeno tore khawaite khawaite duniya theke ney… Allah tore konodin maf korbe na, ami to korboi na.. Janos to jar kache paap korbi se maf na kora porjonto allah o maf korbe na… Amr sathe ja ja korsos sob ferot pabi..Every behaviour, everything… Jibone konodin shanti pabi na… Kono din na… Allah kicchu maf korbe na.. Koidin hoise bidesh gesos?? Esei gorom hen ten, are ei deshe jonmo nisos,ei desh tore doc banaise… 7 na 8 bochor thekei ei obostha!! Nijere elite vabos??? Jibone biya koris na, shudhu sudhu oi meye tar life nosto hobe… Ami amr friend k bolsi dekhe ki hoise tor reputation nosto hoise?? Are gadha reputation to amr jawar kotha j ami hindu abal er sathe prem korsi… Amr friend kauk bolbe na nischinto thak, onno der sathe tor game chalaye jete parbi… No problem.. Guarantee dilam..!!! Nijeke jotota decent, innocent hisebe present koros tar dhare kacheo tui nai… Tui hoili cunning, selfish, selfcentred, mitthuk, manipulative, onnno k destroy kora ekta manush..Game khelsos amk niye.. Use korsos amk.. Ekhn felar jayga paitasos na..ore bolsi dekhe amr proti respect kome gese?? Bah!! Ei jonno esob abusive language use kora suru korsos?? Chilo ta kobe bol to dekhi?? Na love chilo na chilo respect…!!Respect thakle egula korti na amr sathe.. Ami tore love korsi, love er valoi mullo disos.. I am so very proud of you… Amr chiti, ful ja ase tor kache tor fele dibi.. Kicchu rakhbi na… Ki vasa tar! amr bariwala k boli tmk biye korte!! Chi chi chi… Ami kotha bollei pan pan.. Are baal age jokhn tore ask kortam amdr future ki tokhn to chup kore thakti… Ekbar o ki bolsili kichu jinish agay na, ami move on korsi, sudhu sudhu dukkho peye ki laav!! Ki sundor logic tar… Tokhn amk bolis nai kno, gadhar baccha.. Taile to sore jaitam… Tor dike fireo takaitam na… amk ulta jontrona disos.. Allah er bichar korbe… Maf pabi na konodin kotha thekeo… Profile vorti hindu meye abr bole hindu der sathe ami kotha boli na, but comment chala chala kori… Kichu ask korlei bole ex.. Bah!! Gadha to ami kichu bujhi na… Tar vasa shuno jamai rekhe ki amr kache chole asba?? Amr sathe saradin thakba?? Are haramjada ny jabo ki korte?? Tore love kortam dekhe oi time tay vabsilam accha boltese jokhn tokhn try korei dekhi… But tui esob suru korbi k jane… Ekjn k bolsi dekhe gaye lege gese… Kno further prem e problem hobe..?? Chinta koris na tor further tankibaji te problem hobe na… Joto paris meye der life destroy koris, tor ex gf kno chere gese sei protiashod nis… Manusher theke gift nis, body parts er pic nis, niye masturbation koris… Pervert ekta… Nijeke decent vabe, wah…!! Meyeder sorir er baire onno kono nesha nai tor..!! Amr ekta prayer er jodi allah accept kore thake taile ami bolbo allah jeno kono din kono kicu te tore shanti na dey… Ami sure Bangladesh jotodin chili jotodin amk kaaj dekhaisos totodin onno meye der sathe meet korte gesos.. Saradin basay theke 5hrs er jonno ber hoye se tired… R manush kaaj, porashuna kore na!!! Dhong dekhay se amr sathe… Nije kotha bolar time e thik e ase, ami bolte gelei pan pan pan… Are haramjada tui j amk confusion e rakhos oigula clear korte question kori… Ek friend k bolsi dekhe respect chole gese… Respect er definition janos?? Meyeder Body chara kiccchu bujhos na, pervert… Toder moto chele rai last e giye rape kore meyeder… Eto kichu korar por question koros ami k j jar jonno tmr kadte hobe??? Wow!! I am so impressed… Age jekhane love thakto ekhn grihna eto besi jome gese je setar o jayga hocche na… Thak tui tor bideshe… Oikhane sex kore bera.. Echara kichu paros bole amr mone hoi na.. Oita na parle desher meye der fulsaye sexting koris, pic chais body parts er jmn amr theke chaiti… Esob j amk mentally koto besi destroy r sick banaye dise ekmatro allah jane.. Er jobab tui dibi.. Tension koris na.. Ami joto fota kadsi thik toto fota ovishap tor gaye lagbe.. Shanti pabi na eibar duniyar jei prantei jaa… Jarei biye kor.. Allah koruk emn ekjon er sathe tor biye je tore shanti dibe na konodin… Amr kache ekdin maf chaite asbi bole dilam.. No wonder shireen tor best friend… Manusher best friend dekhlei bujha jay se kmn… Amr bujha uchit chilo shireen jehetu tor best friend Tar mane tor level ta ki hoite pare!!!ami 100% sure ami thakakalin, jokhn chilam na or jokhn abr gesi totodin keu na keu na chilo, double game khelsos… Is this a game for you?? Manusher life niye kno?? Manush k mentally destroy kore shanti pas tui?? Ghum ase raat e?? Guilt lage na?? Obosso tor moto manusher guilt bolte kichu ase kina sondeho…!! Aah sobai jodi janto tor true nature ta ki j shanti paitam..! Oidin osudh chara ghum ditam, shantir ghum…!!samne 15 August astese.. Dnmcian day… Sob sundor sundor meye der dekhte pabi, knock dis, fasaye sexting koris… Tor sorir er jala mitais… Ami amr friend k bolsi dekhe moha paap hoye gese… Vabis na kauk bolbe na o.. R tui to dhoya tulsi pata… Tor kono e dosh nai… Inbox e karo sathe kotha bolis na…meyeder phn num diye beras nah..!!! 100%pure tui… Opobitro to amk banaye diye gesos..!! Happy?? Ja chaisili ta paisos?? Amr sojjer limit cross kore gesos tui…ami manush k onk chance dei but once i am done, done forever… Ami more gelei to tui shanti pas, tai na? Jah dilam tore shanti.. Chole jacchi duniya chere!, amr baba maa jotodin kadbe totodin tor ovisap lagbe mone rakhis… Allah tore kono jonome maf korbe na, ami to korboi na..Ami upor theke dekhbo kotota shanti te thakis…!!

Preparation nicchi to kill myslf… Suicide note likha ses… Insuline ene rakhsi… Anyday i will kill myself… Any day… Be prepare guys i am going to die… Finally there will be peace for me… Finally… Vabsilam ajkei morbo, kno jani holo na, ulta kede vasaye dilam… Accha maa r ki hobe?? Abbu r?? Shihub? Mama?? Shejuty?? Rafi?? Ora valo thakbe nischoi…

U know what happened?? Something revealed about him…which made my night worst.. Shila sent me ss told about the girl… I was so eager to know if he is currently having any affair… And made a decision i ask lopa apu… Lopa apu said her version of the story… She had to blame him all that’s what she did… Keu jodi amk tamzid somporke ask kore i will tell my side of the story definitely making him villain… That’s what she did… Making him villain… Ami aro details asa korsilam apur theke but she said she forgot it… Like she didn’t want me to know… Actually karo past dig up korle valo kichu ber hobe na… When i asked him about this guess what he vent on me, he asked whom did i tell about him?? What’s the point of amk lukiye rakha?? Muslim tai?? Taile prem korte aschili kno sala?? Amk lukanor ki ase ami ajo bujhlam na… Image, reputation?? Oh god!!! Vodro chele image nosto hoye jabe tar!! Ei jonno… I messaged him, no reply, called him Over 10times no response… I even made international phn call and what he did… He received and put aside by his computer to listen me the song…!! Is this how u treat people you love??? Really??? I even sent international message…. All he is doing is teaching me how to treat him in future… I will never forgive him… He is mentally destroying me.. Or jonno ami sleeping pill chara ghumaite pari na… Kalk raat ta j kmne kataisi only i know… You will pay back everything… Allah apnk kokhnw kothao shanti dibe naa… Shanti khujte apnr aste hobe amr kache, jake ekhn ashanti dicchen… I feel pity for you… 14apu chole jabar por u gone half mad and ny giye eka theke baki half mad hoisen… Apnr jonno afsos hoi… I felt sorry for u j ami apnk help korte parlam na… Different destiny dekhe emn vabe treat kortesen amk, rastar kutta r satheo manush er cheye valo bebohar kore… Amr kache very solid and good reasons ase to leave you now and for forever… But jacchi na… Ses ta dekhte chacchi, how it ends… If i ever go to ny, how you change eta amr dekhar baki ase… Ei jonno allah kache din raat vikkha chacchi jeno amr biye ta ny te apnr ase pasei hoi… Jate apnr jontrona ami dekhte pari… Ami jodi kokhnw suicide kori er ek matro reason parag… Oikhane giye abr same attitude suru korse amr sathe, ami koi jabo?? Eto besi upore to uthi nai j eto jore fall hobe amr… Porlam to porlam nijer koborei porlam… Khub valo… Ami r fight back korbo na because i have no energy left… Bar bar ek e jinish i wish i could make him understand how much mental toll it takes on me… Onno kotha ki bola jay na?? Onno kotha na bolte parle kotha bolar e dorkar nai… Kotha na bolle keu more jay na… Sob cheye boro vul ki korsi jano kauk ask na kore chorabali te paa disi… Chora bali amk ekhn niche niye jacche… Literally… I am dying… But remember the reason behind it is him… Amr self esteem, self confidence sob kheye felse ei lokta… Amk depression anxiety panic attack er rogi banaise… Most confident girl theke most confused girl ami ekhn… Ambitious girl theke ekhn zero iccha niye beche achi ami… Koto kichu korar iccha chilo… Koto clear chilam nijer future niye… R sei ami ekhn sob foggy foggy dekhi… Bah what an improvement u have done beli…. U should die…

Accha hotat emn holo kno?? Hotat sotto ta etodin por kno aslo samne… Sobai bolto he is very cunning… Er proof to ajk peyei gelam… R ami bolod hoye roilam… Kicchu shikhlam na tamzid theke… Ei rokom feelings amr arekbar hoisilo jokhn tamzid bolsilo o Biye kore felse… I was stuck… Ekhn abr sei stuck hoye gesi… Kalk na jani ki ki shunte hoi…. Lopa apu k knock dewa ta ki vul chilo naki right chilo?? Amr kauk na janiye eto dur agano thik chilo naki vul chilo??? Ami blank ei moment e… Vabte partesi na kichu… Kadteo partesi na… Chokh diye pani astese thik e eta k thik kanna bole kina jani na ami… 24july last meet korsilam or sathe to give him letters and flowers… I thought i got him back… Evabe vul vangbe tai bole…. Ekdom numb lagtese sob… Amr ki more jawa uchit hobe? Sacrifice my life jate o r karo sathe emn na kore?? Ami more gele or kichu jabe asbe??? O to amk peyei felse tai na? Kichu jabe asbe bole mone hoi na… Ami ki korbo ekhn?? Ghumabo naki.kadbo? Naki kauk call dibo? Ore call disilam call dhorlo na bollo baire, sotto na mittha k jane… Amk eto raag kore ask korse amr kotha kare bolso j esob info tmk dei? Accha amk lukanor ki ase??? Image nosto hobe tai? Oikhaner manush jene jabe parag valo chele na? Ei voy? Eto coward kno o? Ami to jantam chelera sahosi meyera vitu hoi… Ekhn to dekhtesi ulta… Or cunningness r koto sojjo korbo??? If u r going through hell, keep going… Beparta ki ei rokom? Keep going? Suddenly duniya ultay jabe vabi nai… Ami more gele k besi kosto pabe? Ma? Abbu? Shihub? Naki onnora? Sobai koidin por vule jabe, maa abbu shihub vulbe na… Accha morbo kmne? Ghum er tab khabo naki insulin nibo? Insulin nile death sure… Hypoglycemia coma Theke keu bachate parbe na sure… Insulin is better choice… I think… Accha kalk dekhi apu r ki ki bole…. Sojjo korte pari kina… Parag er attitude dekhi amr proti, then decision nibo… Je duniya te thakbo naki thakbo na… Amr eto pap niye porokale mukh dekhabo kmne?? Tar moddhe suicide!! Janazao hobe na… Abbur onk kosto hobe as he loves me the most… Maa hoyto pagol hoye jabe… R karo tmn kichu asbe jabe na!! Sobai vule jabe amk… Accha ami more gele ei guilt niye ki parag beche thakte parbe je he killed me…? Naki or kichui asbe jabe na… Ami to or kichu lagi na kichu asbe jabe kno? Etao sotto… Nijer kobor nijei khudlam… Good very good… I am proud of you beli… You are so god damn lucky…. I am so jealous of you… Ki kopal niye jonmaiso!!! Wow!! Best ekdom!!

I need to sleep but i can’t… I am trying but i can’t… For last two days i have been trying to sleep without pills… May be that’s why i can’t… Jodi ami pill na o khai taholeo dine ghum ase amr… But duidin dhore astese na… May be because of stress… stress of his leaving… Not knowing that whether i am going to able to meet him again or not… My whole world is being rooted apart… And i amnot able to do anything… I need to sleep… I want to spend my time with him more… I am praying to Allah day and night to marry me off somewhere near him… Sothat i can atleast see him, talk to him… You know he is more verbal when he is infront of you, not good in talking in social media… I like him more when he is infront of me, talking to me about things… I like listening to him… He can calm me down… I have seen the ability in him… Allah help me please… Please…

He is leaving… Like actually leaving… Leaving for US… I dont want him to go… Kar sathe meet korbo taile ami?? Oh this is making me so sad.. I want to go with him… Jodi ektu sahos dekhato se… Ektu…jodi haat ta na charto!! I wish you were brave hearted.. Koto to emn biye hoi? Hoi na??!! Tahole amra kno na!!! O chole jacche, r keu amr barir samne ese opekkha korbe na… Pain ta nite partesi na… Dom bondho lagtese… Allah please amk or kache pathaye dao… Please… Oh i am sad to my bone… I can’t let him go… Maa amk jete dilo na… I want to go to US… Maa kno bujhteso na ami kon jontronay purtesi… Why he can’t stay?? Ami r ore dekhte pabo na, chute parbo na… Amr biye hoye jabe, jani na koi hobe… I want to see him, touch him, feel him… Kno jaite hobe or… Maa let me go to US… Please maa… Please…. I want to live… Please let me go… I dont want to stay here… I dont… Please dont go… Or chole jawa dekhte parbo na… Hoyto dekha korai uchit hoi nai… Ei pain niye kmne thakbo???!!!! Abr Ghumer osudh, abr kanna raat vor…

My birthday… We spent the whole day together… We went to mawa resort… We done everything… Things he wanted from me… I mean sex… I just went not because i love him but because he wanted so… Ever since we met he tried to reach for my body… I think he only like my body… A girls body… If you are getting it for free, then why not use it… He got what he wanted… On 11july we made an agreement that we will be in touch even after we get married.. As you know we cant marry each other because of religious problem… So we made peace on this… But everyday i have to remind him that i am here… Unknowingly i am making him my center of universe again… But you know he doesnt think me as a part of his… Jokhn time hobe reply dibe, er age ami message diye more geleo reply dibe na, call dhorbe na tar dorkar chara… Even kothao sunbe na amr… So where i stand in his life…??? I have no single idea… Life etto twist and turn nicche kno amr sathe??? Ki korsi ami, as far as i remember i hurt two person one kawser another roki… They loved me but that moment i wasn’t in that position to return back their love, i really wasn’t… Ei jonno ki ei sasti…!! Bole na j i loved someone who didn’t loved me back, someone loved me and i didn’t loved him back, i dont know which one is worse to break your own soul or to break another… I guess later one is worst to break another human being…because curse lage.. I am living the curse… Er por theke ore r kichu bolbo na, i will vent here… Jedin suicide er decision nibo sumit k dibo ore egula send kore dite… He will live with the pain of killing me…

That day i met him again… Again means again.. I emotionally brust out.. I asked all the questions i had in my mind… I cried again… Ami na bujhte pari na, when i cry did he feel sad, like something breaking down inside.. He wept my tears… He said sorry for the all the things he have done, do you think does it matter now?? He asked what he can do to make me feel better? Isnt it out of pity? Just because i was crying he said that to me… Dont you think so? Kno jani onk more jete iccha kore… Like this world has nothing left for me.. Kno jani suicide korar sahos ta peye gesi… I dont know from where… He is making me cold hearted… He is killing all my feelings… I feel dead inside.. And he doesnt listen to any of my emotional talkings… Like it doesn’t matter, let her talk… Ektu por emni chup hoye jabe… Allah apni sob dekhtesen to tai na, i want everything return.. Everything from him… I want to ignore him like he is doing to me.. I want you to punish him just like the way he is doing to me… Ami sotti e r sojjo korte partesi na… Life has lost its meaning to me…

These are the questions i will ask him in our next meeting…

What am i to you? Where do i stand in your life? Is our relationship now good morning and good night? Am i an option to you? You know i am weak to you, then why are you toying with me? Where did i went wrong? Whole day pass you never call nor message me? Is it because i dont matter to you anymore? Then why go out with me?? Am i an object to fulfil your desire? That’s how you see me now??

I need these answers….

Someday he says good morning, some night he sends good night… No other talk whole day… If he got nothing to do, then sends me a message to meet him up… And i??? I am so lame, egoless, stupid, idiot girl i say ok lets meet.. Then we have some chitchat, some food together, then back home… Prothom prothom onk onk nagging kortam for him to meet me… Now that i have known i amnot his priority anymore i stopped nagging… Ashik mridha told me if you were important to him, he will set aside everything to make time for you… He is right, isn’t he? Why am i seeing the same old pattern?? Remember when tamzid returned to me, he used to do the same… No talking, nothing whole day, when he had time he used to meet me… Had some chitchat, then back home… I never complained… But why God making the pattern repeat this time? Why? Nothing is making sense…. Nothing… I want to die… Please God call me up… Please…