DAY 2

yesterday we had a fight… as i told…. told him numerous bad word,,, words which shouldn’t have told… or to say i would never say to anyone ever… anyone ever… but my anger made me to do that… yesterday i phoned a friend , his mobile was off…. i don’t know what to do… i tried him thousands of times… thousands of time… knowing his phone was off… i was thinking if he receives my phone call , i will not go to my psychiatrist…. i tried his while i was fixing my appointment with my doctor… i tried his phone on my way back… i even tried his phone while i was going for my appointment… but at the end i couldn’t reach him through phone….

there i was in the hospital…. staring at people… people who went there to seek help…. my mind was blank… i couldn’t think of anything… i was thinking how i will the doc about my problem…. but i failed… i was just staring the whole time… even the man who billed was asking me ” did you understand what i said”… ??? i nodded no … he said again… then i sat on a table waiting to go in…. even sitting on there i couldn’t hold my tears… so i took a tissue paper from my bag so that no one could see my tear….

then come my turn , i went in… after seeing the doc face i understood he is not empathetic to people … he wouldn’t understand a word i will say…. then i started to describe him my story… i didn’t think he didn’t listen a word… whole time he was busy to write the prescription…. that’s not how you treat a mentally ill patient…. that’s not how it works…. he did n’t show any sympathy rather he used rash words with me…i told him i couldn’t cry anywhere else that’s why i came here to cry… please let me cry… he replied ” what’s gonna bring if you cry?” he told me example of other people who had more pain than me…. i know there are lots of people out there who has more and more pain me…. because i am a doc too… i know how much pain there can be… but as a psychiatrist he should have understood everyone’s pain is unique… everyone’s mind works in a different way… he was just prescribing me not listening to me… i told him i don’t need drugs , i just need someone to hear me out…. please hear me… there was sitting crying in front of him, and he .. he was describing me how i should take my medicine… you moron !!! i am a doc too.. i know how to take all these antidepressant drugs….. i need to you hear my words…. he was in a hurry to see the next patient… so i left with the fucking prescription…..

on my returning to home , i called my friend again,,, this time his phone rang and he received my phone… he was on his way to university…. i told him to get down from the bus and met me… he got down from the bus… we met.. he took me somewhere i can cry my heart out….. i cried and cried and cried and cried…. he listened to my whole story … every single word i say… every single word… he made me understood he isn’t worth any of my single tears…. any… yet i cried for him , i cried for myself….

when i got back home i got a message from him if i was okay or not… i didn’t respond… but today 27th jan i responded to his messages…. may be this gonna be my biggest mistake of my life or not… lets see how it goes….

right now i am broken into two pieces… i don’t know which piece to pick up………….